The White House has already begun its unofficial rounds to garner support from key congressional offices. According to several congressional sources the administration has coined the initiative ‘Triple Win’, a new policy based on the following premises:
- It will increase public trust, dependency on, and respect for TSA, and improve its highly tarnished image. For the first time the multi-billion dollar TSA will be able to show tangible usefulness for its existence.
- It will result in significant revenue increases for the long-struggling travel industry. Many Americans will purchase airline tickets and travel solely for these no-cost security checkpoint check-up services.
- It will provide several highly crucial health check-up services, such as colon and breast exams, to many citizens who are unable to receive these services due to lack of healthcare coverage.
The details of this new initiative have not been released, however the general outline of the proposed initiative that was provided for Congress has been leaking to the media in bits and pieces. From what we have gathered so far, the general proposed guidelines are as follows:
At airport security checkpoints airline passengers will be offered entrances to two separate screening tracks.Those passengers who ‘Opt-Out’ of the enhanced security check will go through existing security checks by following Track ‘A.’ They will be subject to screening machines and possible pat-downs, whether due to random selection or based on unusual screening results (setting off alarms), or completely at the discretion of the agent(s) overseeing the machines and passengers.
Those who ‘Opt-In’ for enhanced security checks with added general sexual health certificate benefits will proceed to Track ‘B’ – which will lead them to enhanced X-Ray screening machines. After going through the enhanced screening machine (able to detect certain general lumps and unusual growths), these passengers will follow a marked pathway to enhanced physical pat-down & examination cubicles. Inside the cubicle an authorized TSA officer will examine the naked passengers and look for lumps, bumps, and unusual growths in colons and or breasts, and or enlarged prostates. Any noticeable unusual odor or discharge will be noted and recorded by the examining TSA officer. Upon exit the airline passenger will be given a stamped certificate detailing the results of the examination.
The White House declined to provide comments until the official announcement is released. However, one of my sources with the National Security Council had the following to say on condition of remaining anonymous:
‘This is truly a win-win-win proposition. The airlines love it. Think about it. Many Americans, those without the means or coverage, may very well purchase tickets only for the purpose of getting some of their organs checked out for free! This will restore confidence in the TSA, which has been taking a beating lately; it elevates agents from badge-wearing probers to badge-wearing health-care officers!! I mean this is killing three birds with one stone! I can’t see a single soul opposing this initiative.’When I asked about logistics my source appeared a bit vague and noncommittal:
‘We’ll have some sort of expedited training for our officers. They may have to complete a 16-18 week training course in breast, testicle, and colon exams…you know, some education on lumps, bumps and unusual growths…We have to significantly increase the TSA taskforce and the overall budget…And of course the cost for additional enhanced machines…needless to say this will truly be money well-spent!’After the above exchange I called a physician familiar with the upcoming initiative and asked for his opinion. Here is his response;
‘Nonsense. Simply nonsense. I shouldn’t even dignify this with an answer or statement…They intend to provide 16 week courses for this uneducated and incompetent bunch and then consider them qualified at the level of doctors who have spent over a decade to obtain degrees and qualifications in medicine! It is one thing to look for weapons and explosives related lumps and bumps, but to check for carcinogenic growths, tumors, and enlarged testicles?! The majority of these ignoramuses at TSA don’t have even college degrees. How could anyone in their right mind trust these people to examine their colon, breast… reproductive organs??! This is utterly preposterous.’One of my sources on a TSA management team in the Midwest defended the initiative, and had the following in response to the above physician’s statement:
‘I think these physicians are being territorial rather than commonsensical and fair. I think our men and women at TSA can indeed provide these routine checkups and certificates. They are already experts. They have loads of experience. Think about it: all the colons, testicles and breasts they are exposed to, see, touch, and feel every day as part of their tasks! They touch and watch thousands of genitals a day! Think about it, how many doctors can you think of who watch and touch thousands of breasts and testicles a day?! I mean come on, among ourselves we call each other boobies experts and arse gurus!!! And we are that indeed!!’
I contacted Janet Napolitano’s office to get a comment, but since the initiative has not been officially released, they were unable to make an official statement. However, when I presented them with the above statement by their TSA manager and asked them whether they agreed with that comment, they responded:
‘The statement is pretty much accurate. We agree with the points made, except for the politically incorrect expression unwisely and crudely used by the TSA manager. We see ourselves as breast and colon specialists and experts, rather than the crude boobies experts and arse gurus…’The announcement will be coming soon. Meanwhile, TSA has ordered their first batch of signs to be displayed at the entrances of every security check point nationwide:
The Transportation Security Agency Proudly Serves Americans By Providing Them with National Security & Genital-Mammary Health Examinations.